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UNITE© STATES OF AMERICA. 



THE 



r 
Queen of Hearts. 



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FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS. 



By AN AMATEUR. 



CAMBRIDGE : 
CHARLES W. SEVER. 

,875. 



THE 



Queen of Hearts. 



& ©ramattc jFantasta, 



FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS. 



By AN AMATEUR. 
/ 

V 






CAMBRIDGE: ] 
CHARLES W. SEVER. 
1875. 

T 






vo 



Copyright, 

By Charles W. Sever, 

1875. 



Cambridge : 
Press of John Wilson 6° Sort. 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 



Fairy Heartsease. 

Queen of Hearts. 

Ace of Hearts ( The Princess) . 

Ace of Diamonds, 1 

Ace of Spades, > Maids of Honor. 

Ace of Clubs, J 

King of Hearts. 

The White Knight, Crown Prince of Euchre. 

Knave of Hearts, "1 

Knave of Diamonds, \ Young Courtiers. 

Ten of Hearts, J 

Herald. 

Page {Five of Hearts). 

Clubs, Spades, Diamonds, &c. 



COSTUME. 

The characters should be dressed as much as possible to sug- 
gest cards. A full description of the costumes, with patterns of 
the original designs, will be forwarded by the publishers on 
receipt of one dollar. 



THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 



PROLOGUE. 

Tableau of cards (court cards with blanks behind them, others with 
cards in front) discovered. King, Queen, Knave, and Ace of Hearts, 
Ace of Clubs, and Knave of Diamonds, and others if desired, as 
cards. Enter Fairy, who looks around at them with interest. 

Fairy. What a sad time these poor creatures do have 
of it ! They are plastered on pasteboard, and laid away 
in baxes, and handled by all sorts of people. What a joke 
it would be to let them out for a holiday ! They might, 
at least, see what the real world was like. They were let 
out once before, too. But it must have been a very long 
time ago, — before my day. Some bard has written their 
adventures in their great national epic. Let's see : — 

" The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, 
All on a summer day ; 
The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts, 
And took them quite away." 

I wonder what they would do ? Probably just the same 
they did before. History is always repeating itself. 
Maybe they will be a little more modern, but that doesn't 
make so much difference. The main things are always 
the same. I will try it any way. 

[ Waves wand. Soft music, coming to a sforzando climax, 
at which the blanks vanish, and the cards wake up, rub 
their eyes, and look round with surprise.] 

King [winking']. Eh ! Halloo ! what's this ? How 
came we here ? 

Fairy. Oh ! you're alive, that's all.. I thought, my 
friends, I would just turn you into real people a little 
while. 



b . THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT I. 

King. Hm. 

Queen [yawning"]. Is it any fun? I have almost for- 
gotten about it. 

Fairy. Oh ! I'm afraid it's rather dull, but maybe you 
will like it just for a change. 

Ace. Oh, how nice ! 

Fairy. You won't always find it easy to manage ; but 
I will be by, and help you out if you get into any trouble. 
Now you two sit down here ; you [to King] with your 
'Tiser, and the Queen opposite with her knitting-work, 
and you'll begin life like Adam and Eve in Paradise. The 
rest of you may go out awhile. 

[Exeunt all but King and Queen, who sit down. 



ACT I. 

Queen and King. 

Queen [to King]. My dear, we must have a partv. 

King [reads half aloud]. 

Queen. My dear! 

King [reads]. Horrible accident ! Her majesty, the 
Queen of Clubs, while out driving yesterday — 

Queen. Oh ! I am not to be diverted in that way. I 
want to talk to you. 

King [reads]. In this city, on the 12th inst., by the 
Right Reverend, the Bishop of Spadille — 

Queen [interrupting]. Oh! who? [Recovering herself 
and biting her lips.] But will you just listen to me a 
minute ? 

King [reads]. Camel's hair, it seems, will be very much 
worn again this season. A very neat costume we noticed 
at Shuffle and Cutts had — 

Queen [rising and snatching paper]. Oh! let me see. 
I thought they would last another season. What colors 
will be worn ? Oh ! those bewitching russets. [Heads 
half aloud.] 

King [chuckling]. You will find quite a full description 
there. Really, their Paris correspondent is a very intel- 
ligent fellow. 

Queen. And here are some fine evening costumes. 
They are just the thing for my party. I will tell Ace 
about them. 



ACT I. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 7 

King [aside with disappointment]. Oh, confound it ! 
I thought they were all street dresses. 

Queen [sitting down]. And that reminds me. Now, 
dear, you must let me have a party. We really can't 
decently get along without. There are the Diamonds, 
who have had a superb ball, — a brilliant affair. And 
even those beggarly Clubs have had the presumption to 
give a kettle-drum. And then there was the Spades' 
garden party. It is actually mean not to do something. 
I am absolutely ashamed to accept another invitation. 

King [aside]. Gracious ! I wish you never would, nor 
send one either. 

Queen. And then, you know, there's our dear child, 
Ace. She has grown a lovely girl. We must bring her 
out more. There are several young men that would be 
excellent matches for her. We have no son, you know. . . . 
There might be a revolution in case — Suppose there 
should be an attempt to make it next, and have diamonds 
trumps. You must be looking out for a successor. 

King [quickly]. Oh, thank you, my dear! I'm not in 
haste. 

Queen. But I've been watching the child for some 
time. It's my opinion she is interested in somebody we 
don't know about. 

King. Nonsense! She is a princess, and knows better 
than to care for anybody but an eligible young man. But 
perhaps it is time to secure a husband for her. I have 
one in mind now. 

Queen. So have I. There's the Knave of Hearts. 
Frank,. gay. witty, — a charming young fellow. After 
he's tamed down a little he would make an excellent 
husband. 

King. Jupiter ! A nice young man for a family party ! 
Spends as much as the whole royal budget in champagne 
and cigars. Bah ! I'd rather she should be the sixtieth 
Mrs. Brigham Young. I meant the Knave of Diamonds. 

Queen. There ! You men are always just so unrea- 
sonable. Heart's is only a little gay. All young men of 
spirit go through that stage. But your Knave of Dia- 
monds ! Ugh ! a scheming, selfish creature. Sharp 
enough to cut his own head off. He's sure to make any 
woman unhappy. Jilted the Ace of Spades, — a splen- 
did girl, — because she couldn't help along his ambitious 
schemes. 

King. I wish you would speak more respectfully of 
my friend and counsellor. 



O THE QUEEN OP HEARTS. ACT I. 

Queen. Oh, yes ! you're so very kind to my favorite. 
The Knave of Hearts is worth — 

King. Stuff! I won't hear of him. 

Queen. Of course you are taken in by that hypocrit- 
ical — 

King. Well, well, never mind. now. Let's talk about 
the party. I don't mind so much having it, though you 
know I hate parties ; but the expense, my dear, the ex- 
pense ! There was a deficit last year of over ten millions, 
and people are grumbling about the taxes dreadfully. 

Queen. Now do, dear. It won't be so very expensive. 
We'll use kerosene in the grand chandelier instead of gas, 
and we needn't have any music but a piano, and we'll 
invite a pianist. And now about refreshments. I will 
make some tarts myself. [ Coaxingly."] You know you 
are so fond of them, and you used to think I made them 
so nicely. 

King. Well, well, my dear, I suppose I must. I will 
get Finesse to stick the amount somewhere in the budget, 
— secret service, stationery, or harbor excursions, or some- 
thing of that kind. 

Queen. Oh, what a dear ! Now let's plan it. 

King. Well, we'll have a good many, — say fifty-two. 

Queen. Mercy! what & pack / Oh, no! have a select 
little German, — only thirty-two. Then there will be 
room to dance. 

King. Confound your dancing ! But have it as you 
like. Say thirty-two then. Whom will you have ? 

Queen. There are the Diamonds, to begin with. 

King. Yes, I suppose we must have them. They are 
our nearest neighbors, — next in suit, you know. And 
then there are the Spades. 

Queen. Gracious ! Not those vulgar people. I don't 
mind the Clubs, but the Spades are too bad. Why, they 
are nothing but market gardeners ! Now the Clubs are, 
at any rate, of a military family. 

King. The Spades do seem a little low in this coun- 
try; but let me tell you, my dear, their ancestors were 
soldiers of the highest rank, and their connections abroad 
are the Piques, — the best blood in Europe. And as for 
your Clubs, their family was only one of Trefoils, — mere 
haymakers, related to the clovers and the like. 

Queen. Bah ! I don't care a fig for your history and 
genealogy and stuff. The Spades are as low as they can 
be, and don't go into society at all. I won't have them 
in my house. 



ACT I. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. V 

King. Oh, very well ! I don't care a fig for your soviet;/. 
You needn't have anybody at all. [Rises in a 2Xtssio?i.] 

Queen [vexed]. There ! I knew you just wanted to 
annoy me. What difference does it make to you who 
comes ? 

King. If you'd only just be reasonable ! 

Queen. It's you that are obstinate. It's always just 
so when I want any thing. 

King. But you are so particular about little things. 
It's foolish. 

Queen. Oh, indeed ! foolish, is it ? 

King. Now do restrain your temper. You're so pas- 
sionate ; you get so angry about nothing; you fume and 
fret so — [Gradually becoming more and more angry 
and walking up and down.'] 

Queen. Oh, go on, go on ! 

King. I won't say another word. [ Walks up and 
doicn.] 

[Queen vexed, crying, occasionally peeping out at Jam. 
. King sneezes!] 

Queen. Bless you! 

King [turns quickly]. Did you say, Bless you ? 

Queen. Why, yes. 

King. Then let's make up. [Rushes up and embraces 
her.] There, there, my dear, you may have just the ones 
you want. 

Queen. No, I won't. I'll have them all. 

King. Well, well, do just as you like. 

Enter Ten. 

Ten. May it please your majesty, a messenger without 
desires to speak with your majesty on important business. 
A dangerous plot is suspected. Fears are entertained 
that something may turn up. A deal of trouble is 
brewing. 

King. Bless my soul, we cannot let this pass. We 
will to our royal audience-room and hear the report of 
this matter. Bye bye, my dear. 

[Exeunt King and Ten. 

Queen. Knave of Diamonds, indeed! A low, double- 
faced politician ! He'd do to sit for a portrait of Janus. 
But I will trump that trick. 

Enter Ten. 
Ten. Your majesty ! 



10 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT I. 

Queen. Proceed. 

Ten. Her Royal Highness and the ladies of your royal 
court await your pleasure. 

Queen. Bid them come in. [Exit Ten. 

Miter Ladies and salute the Queen. 

Queen. Good morning to your Royal Highness. 
Good morning, ladies. I have summoned you on an im- 
portant matter. I have news to tell you. 

Ace of Spades. Your majesty does us honor by this 
confidence. 

Ace of Diamonds [aside to other ladies']. Goodness 
gracious ! what can it be ? 

Ace of Hearts [aside]. Can it be that anybody 
is engaged ? 

Ace of D. [aside]. Oh! it's some bit of scandal. 

Ace of S. [aside to ladies]. The king is going to 
have & new waistcoat. "We are to decide the color. 

Queen. I am going to have a German ! ! ! ! ! 

A. of H. Your majesty does well to gratify the court. 

A. of S. [aside]. Delightful ! 

A. of D. [aside]. Divine ! 

A. of C. [aside]. Oh, ecstasy! 

A. of D. [aloud to Queen.] Your majesty will doubt- 
less take some time for preparation ? 

Queen. Impossible. I have set next Thursday. 

A. of C. [aside], Mercy ! what shall we do? 

A. of D. We haven't a blessed thing to wear. 

A. of S. Bring down the royal ragbags of the last 
three centuries. Pick out the odds and ends, and we 
shall be just in the newest fashion. 

A. of H. [aside]. Dear me ! I can't wear my white 
muslin with a blue ribbon. 

A. of S. [aside]. Oh, yes ! you can. Make it scant in 
front, and let it draggle well behind. Get all the hair 
you can, and do it over a sofa pillow. 

Queen. Ladies, advise me what color is best for invi- 
tations. I think a chocolate brown. 

Miter Ten. 

Ten. Your majesty I 
Queen. Speak. 

Ten. A minstrel without craves audience of your 
majesty. 



ACT I. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 1 1 

Queen. Seemed he worthy ? 

Ten. Indeed he did, your majesty ; the very quin- 
tessence of gentility. He wears an Ulster and a striped 
shirt front. He has a bull terrier, and his cane is short 
and stout as any watchman's billet. 

A. of S. The very stage properties of nobbiness. 

Queen. Shall we admit him, ladies ? 

A. of D. 'Twere well at least to see him, your maj- 
esty. [Aside."] Gracious! I hope she will. I'm all of a 
quiver to see what he's like. 

A. of C. [aside]. Oh, yes! Young men are few, and 
minstrels rarer still. 'Tis long since we have heard a . 
song. 

A. of S. [aside]. Our singers now are dreary warblers. 
Their fire is as warm as an artificial back-log. 

A. of H. [to Queen]. Please let him in. I should 
like to hear a song so. 

Queex. Well, Ten, admit him. 

A. of C. [aside]. Order him up. Don't let him even 
change his suit. [Exit Ten. 

Enter White Knight, icith an Ulster on. Guitar on 
his shoulder. Sensation. 

A. of S. [aside]. Goodness! he's as gay as an under- 
taker. But these girls like it. His air promises a ro- 
mance in three volumes. They'll dote on him. 

A. of D. [aside.] Oh, isn't he handsome ! So roman- 
tic ! And he looks so piercingly at me ! 

A. of C. [aside], Xo, he looked at me. 

A. of S. [aside?] You silly things ! 'twas me. 

A. of D. [aside]. I'm sure he looked at me. 

A of S. [aside]. A perfect family portrait that stares 
at every spectator. 

W. Knight [aside]. Good ! the Princess. I hoped so. 
She does not recognize me. Excellent. The Queen 
seems amiable. I'll try to make friends with her. 

Queen. Enter, gentle sir : your craft is always wel- 
come. 

W. K. Thanks, your majesty. I hope my humble 
skill may win your favor. 

Queen. Sing on. Your song will doubtless please : 
though I fear your strain will be a sad one. Your mien 
betokens sorrow. 

A. of S. [aside]. So much the better. You girls are 
as fond of tears as toads are of a shower. 



12 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT I. 

A. of C. [aside,"] Oh, isn't it touching ! 

W. K. True, your majesty ; but one must sing what 
comes. I, alas ! have suffered. 

A. of H. [aside]. What a dear interesting creature ! 

A. of D. [aside]. Oh, he's heavenly ! 

A. of C. [aside]. Oh, I wish he'd tell his story! 

A. of S. [aside]. Oh ! I can tell it ! k a pair of blue eyes, 
a spit-curl, and a broken heart. But they get well. Wait 
for the next volume. 

[ W. K. sings feelingly. The others listen with rapt atten- 
tion. Goes on tuning his instrument.] 

A. of D. How sad ! 

A. of C. How noble he seems ! 

Queen. Such feeling! 

A. of S. Oh ! they learn the art, your majesty. He'll 
be as merry as a chirping grasshopper in five minutes. 

A. of C. [in tears]. For shame, you sarcastic thing! 
It's mean to insult misfortune. [W. K. overhearing is 
affected.] 

A. of H. [lower tone to Queen.] I don't believe he's a 
minstrel at all. Just now, in his song, he gave me such a 
look! Nobody but a prince would dare. I never had a 
minstrel look at me so. 

Queen. You are mistaken, my dear. He is a very 
common person. [Aside.] But he's very amiable. I am 
quite attached to him. Fair sir, your song is exquisite. 
Whose is it ? 

W. K. The words and music are my own, your 
majesty. 

A. of D. [aside]. What genius! 

A. of C. A poet, too ! 

Queen. Will you be pleased to sing another ? 

Sings again. 

Queen. You have moved us much in your favor. 
Will it please you to tell your tale ? We may relieve you. 

W. K. No doubt your majesty can do much. [Aside.] 
I will confess to her. If she assists, the king must take 
rne up. The stake is high and deserves a bold game. 
[Aloud.] Indeed your majesty can do more than any 
other. 

A. of D. [aside]. Oh, how exciting! 

A. of C. [aside], I wonder what it can be ? 



ACT I. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 13 

Queen. Go on with your story. 

W. K. But, your majesty, I cannot make my sorrows 
so public I must speak with your majesty alone. 

A. of D. [aside, vexed]. How provoking! 

Queen. Your timidity is natural. Ladies, you may 
retire and prepare the invitations for the German. 

^Ladies salute and retire with regret. 

Queen [sJmUing door]. Sir, I am impatient to hear 
your story. 

W. K. [with significance]. 'Tis no new one, your maj- 
esty. I love a lady. 

Queen. And she? 

W. K. Is of the very highest station, worth, and 
beauty. 

Queen. Surely, youth and genius ought not to de- 
spair, if aided by our royal favor. 

"W. K. [kneeling]. Your majesty emboldens me. 

Que ex. Speak out. 

W. K. Can your majesty pardon me ? She is no other 
than the Princess Ace of .Hearts. 

Queex. Ah — [with dissembled vexation, and some- 
what strongly]. How came this? 

W. K. At first, by a mere accident, your majesty. 
Last summer, as I flung the gaudy fly along a mountain 
stream, I came upon a pic-nic party gathering water-lilies. 
The Princess was among them, and I was stricken 
instantly. 

Queex. You lead from a short suit, — a hazardous 
play ! You, a minstrel — aspire — 

W. K. I am not a minstrel, your majesty. I am the 
Hero of the West, the White Knight, called the Joker. 
[ Throws off his Ulster.] 

Queex. Ah. — [Aside.] Vexation! This accounts 
for the Princess' conduct. I had suspected something. 
[Aloud.] You quite deceived me. An Ulster can con- 
ceal the knightliest gentleman. I have often seen the 
students in the horse-cars so disguised. But does the 
Princess know you are here? Does she know your 
feelings ? 

W. K. I have told her nothing. But then, few maid- 
ens need sealed documents in those matters. 

Queex. True. [Aside.] Hm ! so much the worse. A 
dangerous rival for my favorite, Hearts. But it would be a 



14 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT I. 

pity to cross his suit, and disappoint at once so charming 
a young fellow. Just when I am going to have a party, 
too. [Aloud.'] Your suit is difficult. The king has 
other designs. 

W. K. And your majesty? 

Queen. Hm ! It is rather sudden ; but we will see. 
You have my leave to stay at court and establish your 
suit. Be silent and discreet. 

W. K. Thanks, thanks, your majesty. 

Queen. Be at the German Thursday. Till then, 
au revoir. [W. K. kisses her hand.~\ 

W. K. [aside]. I think I have secured the Queen. 
That's certainly & point. \_JExit. 

Queen. This young man may serve me after all. I 
will play him against the king's left bower. [Hises.] 
And he is wonderfully attractive, wonderfully. The 
dear child ! I am sure I can't blame her for falling in 
love with him. What if I should take up his cause in 
good earnest. I should like to favor him. And it would 
please my dear Ace so much. She would love me almost 
to death. There's no love so sweet as that that's meant 
for somebody else. . . . But what can I do? I can't 
abandon Hearts. 'Twas I that set him on to sue for the 
Princess when that saucy Ace of Diamonds jilted him. 
I was very fond of his father, and I wanted to do some- 
thing to advance the young man for his sake. Besides, I 
had to block the king's game with that scamp the Knave 
of Diamonds. And I had to punish the Ace of Diamonds 
too. Impertinent little minx! I guess she has had enough 
of it by this time, and wishes she had him back. Good 
enough for her. .... No, I'll stick to Hearts. Ace will 
like him just as well if she finds she can't have the other. 
.... It's a pity, too. The stranger is very, very capti- 
vating. But I wonder if she is really so fond of him ? 
Hm — yes — I can't be mistaken. They are very easy to 
read at her age. She's interested, certainly. I will watch 
her. And here she comes. I'll make her show her hand, 
and decide the game at once. 

Enter Ace oe Hearts. 

A. of H. We forgot one thing, your majesty. Are we 
to say any thing about the hour in the invitations ? 

Queen. No, I think you had better not. But are you 
sure you have the whole list ? You know we need young 



ACT I. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 15 

gentlemen. Perhaps you may think of some more. Did 
you see any new ones this summer ? 

A. of H. No: at least, none that are. here. 

Queen. No matter then. But, maybe — Were there 
any new ones? 

A. of II. No — Well, yes, there were a few. A 
young man from the West. 

Queen [aside]. Yes, I thought so. [Aloud.'] I hear 
there are some Western men in town now. 

Ace. Oh, are there ? Who ? 

Queen. I heard no names. Hm — yes — they said 
the Joker. 

Ace [interrupting]. Oh! Is he here? 

Queen. Do you know him. 

Ace [recovering Iter self]. He was an excellent dancer. 

Queen. Did you dance with him ? 

Ace [becoming confused]. Yes, once. Perhaps twice, 
and walked with him once on the beach — and — [stojis, 
still more confused?]. [Queen rings.] 

Queen. Oh ! you do know him then ? 

Enter Page. 

Queen [to Page]. Go call the King. [Exit Page. 

Ace. Oh, mamma! please don't tell him. I really did 
not mean to give him any encouragement. But he was 
so handsome, and he talked so charmingly, and sang so 
divinely, — you know I had to be polite to him. 

Enter King. 

King. What's the matter now ? 

Queen. Here's a pretty piece of business. With your 
bungling play, trying to get in your Knave of Diamonds, 
you have made Ace fall in love with a man we know 
nothing about. 

King. The deuce she has ! Who is he ? 

Queen. The White Knight. 

King. Fire and fury ! I'll cure her of that. Page, go 
get the Archbishop forthwith. I'll have her married in- 
stantly. [Exit Page. 

Queen. But not to your crafty schemer. She shall 
many the Knave of Hearts. 

Ace. But I won't marry anybody. I'll join the 
Industrial Association first, unless — the W T hite Knight 
should come for me. 



16 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT I. 

Queen. But, my dear, he'll never come. Of course 
he has forgotten all about you. A mere watering-place 
acquaintance. 

Ace. But, mamma, you said he was here. 

Queen [confused]. Yes, to be sure, but he's only here 
on business. [Aside."] How stupid ! 

King. What, the villain here? I'll have his head off 
in a twinkling. You shall marry Diamonds. 

Queen. She shall marry Hearts. 

Ace. I can't marry anybody but the Joker. 

King. I say you shall marry Diamonds. 

Queen. She shall not marry Diamonds [crosses to her 
and caresses her], she shall marry Hearts. 

Ace. I won't marry anybody but the Joker. [All 
stand at bay.] 

Miter Fairy. 

Fairy. There, I knew you'd get into a muddle and 
need me. 

King. But mustn't a king and father be obeyed ? 

Queen. Mustn't a queen and mother marry her 
daughter ? 

Ace. And, dear Fairy, can't a girl and princess choose 
her own husband ? [ Goes to Fairy.] 

Fairy. There, there now, it grows worse and worse. 
It's a dead lock, you see. You must be reasonable. I'll 
tell you what to do. Try the civil service fashion. Have 
a competitive examination for the place of husband of the 
Princess. 

King. Hm — [aside] a good political scheme. It will 
please the people, and then I can give the place as I like 
afterwards. That's the way Grant does. Nobody will 
see through it except the Editor of the Nation. 

Queen. Good ! [Aside.] I'll tutor Hearts myself. He's 
sure to win. 

Ace. Well, I will agree to that; [aside] but I won't 
marry anybody but him, anyway. 

* King. We can have it all at the German. But what 
shall it be in ? 

Fairy. Oh ! in music, dancing, and conundrums. 

All. Agreed. . 

Queen [ to Ace].. Gome, my dear, now we'll go and 
make the tarts. 

King. Fairy. Queen. Ace. 
Curtain. 



ACT II. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 17 

ACT II. 

Enter Knave of Diamonds. 

Knave of Diamonds. I wonder what the King was 
called away for? He had just promised me the hand of 
the Princess and the place of prime minister: now the 
question is to plot or not to plot. What if I abandon the 
conspiracy altogether? I ought to come out ahead with- 
out it. Let's count the score. I am sure of the King, that's 
as good as a double, that's two. Gain the Princess, and 
there's another double ; and the rub, — ay, there's the rub, 
sure enough. But I never failed with them yet. They 
are easy enough to bring to terms. A compliment, a sigh, 
and a bouquet, — and they are finished directly. There's 
the Ace of Spades. How fond she used to be of me ! I 
liked the girl, too. Pity I had to drop her ! But politics, 
politics ! Head of the cabinet, and husband of the Prin- 
cess Royal. The prize was too great. " Men must work, 
and women must weep." The poor girl had to go over- 
board. Gad, how bitter she is now ! She was always 
sharp; sharp enough to be caught by sharpness. That's 
the trouble with the Princess. She is so innocent she 
spoils the best intrigue. But I shall manage it. Hm! 
there's some one coming. [Retires. 

Enter Knave of Hearts. 

K. or H. This must be the place, — an unfrequented 
room in the palace. It's a good joke my being a con- 
spirator. I shouldn't be in it, if that girl the Ace of Dia- 
monds hadn't refused me. 

Re-enter Diamonds, with significant gestures as conspir- 
ator continued through the Act. 

K. of D. What are trumps ? 

K. of H. Hearts. 

K. of D. I pass. 

K. of H. I make it spades. 

K. of D. St ! some one comes. [ They retire. 

Enter Ten. Re-enter Knaves. 

K. of D. What are trumps ? 
Ten. Hearts. 
K. of D. I pass. 



18 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT II. 

Ten. I make it spades. 

K. of D. What news, my faithful Ten ? 

Ten. The Queen is to have a party. 

K. ofD. andH. Ha!!! 

K. of H. Is it sure ? 

Ten. I heard it even now from her own royal lips. 

K. of D. And does the King consent ? 

Ten. Unwillingly he does. 

K. of D. 'Tis strange. What means this sudden 
determination ? 

K. of H. Doubtless it is to bring out the Ace. 

K. of D. I fear there be more potent reasons. When 
comes it off ? 

Ten. On Thursday. [Sensation.] 

K. of D. I feared it. 'Tis the time set for the plot. 

K. of H. They must suspect. 

Ten. Oh ! I am sure not. 

K. of D. St ! some one comes. 

Miter King. Knaves hide. Ten remains. 

King [aside]. If I could find Diamonds, I would in- 
struct him about the examination. [ To Ten.] Have you 
seen the Knave of Diamonds ? 

Ten. Not since yesterday, your majesty. 

King. I would fain speak to him of the conspiracy. 
I will seek him further. [Exit King. 

Knaves come out. 

K. of D. What said the King ? 

Ten. He but remarked upon the coolness of the 
weather as he passed. 

K. of H. 'Tis well. I feared it had been more serious. 
But had you any further news ? 

Ten. A new aspirant for the hand of the Princess. 

K. of H. Impossible ! 

K. of D. Can it be so ? Who ? 

Ten. The White Knight. 

K. ofD. [aside]. The conspiracy must go on. [Aloud.] 
Ten, have the guards been tampered with ? 

Ten. Copies of Schenck on Poker have been distrib- 
uted freely among them, and Spades — 

K. of D. Take care ! the Queen. [ Knaves hide.] 

Queen [aside]. Where is Hearts? I must see him. 
[Sees Ten, ivho is practising minuet steps awkwardly.] 
My faithful Ten, have you seen his majesty? 



ACT II. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 19 

Tex. I left him just now in his apartment. 

Queen. I'll seek him there. [Exit Queen. 

Enter Knaves. 

K. of D. Thursday, at midnight, is the hour. Ten, 
guard every approach to the palace. Hearts, you will 
take command of — 

Ten. St ! the Ace. [Knaves retire. 

Ace [aside], I must find the Joker to give him this 
book of conundrums. What ! the Ten here ! [ To Ten.] 
Ten, have you seen the Queen ? 

Ten. No, your royal highness, she has not passed 
tins way. I have just come in to find the King. 

[Exit Ace. 

Enter Knaves. 

K. of D. As I said just now, Hearts will direct — 
Ten. St ! some one comes. [Knaves retire. 

Enter stealthily three Aces. 

A of C. We were seeking some unfrequented part of 
the palace to practise the minuet. 

Ten. You will find the next apartment quiet. This 
one seems liable to intrusion. [Exeunt Aces. 

Enter Knaves. 

K. of D. Secure the persons of the Royal Family. 
Then proclaim Spades trumps. The King of Spades will 
at once — 

Enter Herald. — False start. 

Herald. Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye ! His majesty the 
King has ordered all the suitors for the hand of her royal 
highness to appear at the Queen's German, and pass a 
competitive examination for the place of Royal Consort. 
Long live his majesty, King of Hearts ! [ Cornet. Sensa- 
tion.'] [Exit Herald. 

K. of D. [aside, on one side of the stage where he retires 
.formally to soliloquize']. A new complication. The plot 
must be postponed. We'll all go in for the examination 
first. 

K. of H. [on other side, in same manner]. Gad, here's 
a new trouble. Just when a fellow wants to enjoy him- 
self he must get up this confounded examination. And 



20 . THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT II. 

we must go in. It won't do to depend entirely on the 
conspiracy. It's bad enough to have to plot, but this is 
worse still. What a pity the. Ace of Diamonds refused 
me ! She's such a stunner ! She doesn't trouble you with 
conundrums nor competitions. She likes to be merry. 
And what a bore it will be too, if I win, to be the husband 
of the Princess. But there's fun in it, too. Royal con- 
sorts are not so badly off, after all. I'll go in — and win ? 
Yes, — and win. 

Enter King. Knaves retire. 

King. I cannot find Diamonds. 

Ten. He must be in the garden of the palace, your 
majesty. 

King. Come, I will confer with you upon this matter. 

[Exit with Ten, who makes signs behind the King's 
back to the Knaves. He-enter Knaves. 

K. of H. Jove! isn't it queer? Such a joke ! A new 
suitor for the Princess, and a competitive examination 
between us all, — Music, Dancing, and Conundrums. 

K. of D. [aside']. This looks dangerous. 

K. of H. You and I are about even, old boy, on those 
things. 

K. of D. The new rival is very fascinating, they say. 

K. of H. Yes, the White Knight sweeps the board ; 
but the King and Queen don't favor him. He has no 
chance. We can beat him two to one. 

K. of D. Hm ! Hearts, I have an idea. Suppose we 
join to euchre the stranger, and then play it out between 
ourselves. It's a three-handed game now. 

K. of H. Agreed ! fair play between us, though. 

K. of D. Oh, of course, of course ! St ! there comes 
the Queen. [ They retire. 

Enter Queen with Tarts. 

Queen. There ! How pleased the King will be ! And 
Hearts is fond of them, too. The best I ever made. I 
hope they are better than the Queen of Diamonds' saw- 
dust pound-cake with plaster frosting. I'll set them here 
to cool. Nobody will dare to touch them. It's high 
treason, at the least. They are all marked with the crown. 
Now about the music. [Exit Queen. 



ACT II. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 21 

Enter Knaves. 

K. of D. [aside]. Good! A glorious plan! It will 

ruin them both, and then I shall have a lone hand. [Aloud.] 
Hearts, let's make the White Knight eat the tarts. 

K. of II. Gad! a capital joke. We'll do it. 

K. of D. Put on an apron, and take them to him as a 
present from the Ace. 

K. of H. What a head you have ! But let us take a 
few ourselves. 

K. of D. Thank you. I never eat between meals. I 
am afraid they'd disagree with [aside] my plans. 

K. of H. Here goes then. [Eats with signs of appro- 
bation. Puts on a handkerchief as an apron and carries 
them away.] 

K. of L). Here's another double and the rub without 
the Princess. The game is sure. [Retires. 

Enter Ace of Hearts. 

Ace. He must win. He sings like an angel. And 
such dancing ! But the conundrums ! I'm afraid he isn't 
up to them. But then he's so clever. He beat in all the 
games last summer. And he is so handsome. I have 
sent him a splendid book of conundrums. If he cares for 
me, he'll get it up. He can't fail. 

Enter White Knight. 

White Knight. Charming Princess ! [Ace screams.] 

Ace. What ! you here ! How dared you ? 

W. K. Am I too bold? 

Ace [with effusion]. Oh, no! [Confused.] That is — 
yes — of course — here in the palace. [Alarmed.] If you 
were discovered ! 

W. K. Oh ! never fear. The game is worth the candle. 
And then I have secured the Queen. 

Ace. You were the minstrel then ? 

W. K. By that disguise I gained admission to the 
palace. 

Ace. What reckless daring ! 

W. K. 'Twas little risk. And now I fear nothing, 
since the sweet token of your affection. From your own 
fair hands — 

Ace [aside]. Oh, he has received the conundrums ! 
He'll win now surely. 

W. K. The gift was yours then, pearl of maidens ? 

Ace [hesitating]. Yes, I did send it; but I — I only 
thought — 



22 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT IT. 

W. K. [interrupting']. Oh, don't explain ! [Aside."] Ec- 
static thought! The tarts were hers. So young, and a 
pattern of housewifery ! [Aloud.] They were superb. I 
devoured them, — crammed them instantly. They are 
absorbed into my being. 

Ace [aside]. Oh, what a dear, enthusiastic creature! 
I was sure he would get them up. He's certain, certain 
to win now. [Aloud.] But you know — 

W. K. [interrupting]. Oh, yes ! I heard the proclama- 
tion of the Herald. And did you consent to the compe- 
tition ? 

Ace [simply]. I knew you'd win, of course. 

W. K. Thanks, adorable Princess, for your confi- 
dence. I am ready for the contest. We cannot fail. 
Your gift has given me new power, and now your assur- 
ance inspires my own. [Embraces her, but she breaks 
away.] 

Ace. Oh, I hear some one coming ! 

[ They run off different ways, turning several times 
and throioing kisses. 

He-enter Knave of Diamonds in a rage. 

K. of D. Perdition swallow him ! He has secured the 
Princess. That point is gone. But the game's not lost. 
There's the competition. If he wins that too, I'll spring 
the tarts upon him and blow up Hearts too. . . . And, 
should t&at fail, I have still the plot. I'll upset the state, 

and climb upon the ruins But the competition — 

[Sings a scale.] The music's safe, at least. Then the 
conundrums ! . . . Bah ! I've wit enough to beat innocent 
Hearts and spooney Joker. But the dancing. . . . Hm. . . . 
Tis not so sure. . . . [ Thinks.] Good ! I have a chance. 
[Calls.] Ho! Page. [Miter Page.] Go call the Herald. 
[Exit Page.] The Herald is a dancing-master in disguise, 
— a spy of the King of Spades. He'll teach me privately. 
An' my good legs fail me not, I'll pirouette it with the 
best of them. [Enter Herald.] Good morning to your 
nimbleness. 

Herald. Good morning to your excellency. 

K. of D. Thou art a dancer, I believe. 

Her. I do skip a little, please your excellency. 

K. of D. Canst thou teach thy art ? 

Her. Ay, I could teach it even to the Cardiff Giant, or 
the mummies in the Way collection. 

K. of D. Good ! I would learn it. But st ! some one 
comes. Bah ! the palace swarms like an ant-hill. [Retires. 



ACT II. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 23 

Enter Knave of Hearts. 

Her. [without noticing that K. of D. is gone.~] Your 
excellency must first — 

K. of H. Good morning, Herald. Well met, well 
met ! [Mysteriously. ,] I have need of thy skill. I would 
get up a dance, — some master-stroke, a Terpsichore an 
avalanche, something to make the women sigh and lan- 
guish, and all mankind grow green with jealousy. 

Her. I have that power. {Looking round.} But just 
now I had another pupil. 

K. of H. Ha ! ! a spy. [Retires. 

Her. [turns back]. And now they both are gone. 

[ The two Knaves peep in at sides and see each other.'] 

K. of H. Oh ! it's Diamonds. 

K. of D. Oh ! it's Hearts. 

[ They come out laughing.'] 

K. of H. Let's learn together. 

Her. Yes, 'twill be a conservatory. 

K. of D. Oh! a college. 

K. of H. Or, better yet, a University. 

Her. Now, your excellencies, take your places. I will 
lay aside this book. 

Both Knaves. A book ? What is it ? • 

Her. A book of conundrums I was to give the White 
Knight from the Princess. [Sensation.] I have not yet 
had time. 

K. of H. We will take it to him. [Signs to K. of D.] 

Her. Good ! [ Gives book to K. of H. The Knaves 
look at the book, and put it away icith significant gestures.] 
Now, gentlemen, take your positions. [ Grotesque lesson in 
dancing according to the skill of the performers 7] 
Cornet heard outside. 

K. of D. Ha ! The court is assembling. We must 
prepare for the examination. [Start to go out. Curtain 
falls.] 



24 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 



ACT III. 

Hall of the Palace. A pillar on each side large enough 
to conceal one of the Knaves. Dais, throne, etc. Enter 
in procession, icith music, the King, Queen, Ace, 
Ladies, Ten, Herald, and other cards at pleasure. 
They take their places. 

King. Now, my dear, you have your party. What 
do you want to do ? 

Queen. Let's have the business nYst, — say the com- 
petitive examination. Where's the Fairy ? 

King. Oh ! she can't be far off. 

Enter Fairy. 

King. Are you ready for the examination to proceed ? 

Fairy. The candidates will be here presently. I have 
prepared the papers — [ Cornet heard.] There they are 
now. 

Enter Knave of Hearts with Page. Salutes the Fairy 
and the royal party, and takes his place. Another cor- 
net. Enter* Knave of Diamonds in same manner. 
Another. Enter White Knight. 

Fairy. Let the Herald announce the contest. 

Her. Oyez, oyez, oyez! The great competition for 
the hand of the incomparable princess, Ace of Hearts, 
under the rules of chivalry, will now begin. The trial 
will be in music, dancing, and conundrums. The fairy 
Heartsease, Grand Protectress of the Kingdom of Hearts, 
will preside and be umpire. Long live his majesty, King 
of Hearts! [Calls.] The Knave of Diamonds, Left Bower 
to his majesty ! [K. of D. comes forward, bows, and takes 
his place. Applause^] The Knave of Hearts, Right Bovver 
to the Queen ! [K. of H. comes forward in same man- 
ner^] The White Knight, called the Joker, otherwise the 
Best Bower, the Hero of the West, and Crown Prince of 
Euchre ! [Joker same.] 

Her. [to them.] Most noble gentlemen, you pledge 
your honor that you have not seen the papers ; that you 
have no jokers, ponies, cribs, or other illegal assistance 
about you ; that you have not unduly crammed for this 
examination ; and that you have no bets pending on the 
result. 



ACT III. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 25 

All. We do. 

K. of H. [to K. of D.] Say, Diamonds, will you bet ? 

K. of D. I never do. 

K. of H. The more fool you. 

Fairy [to Kls t g, Queen, andAcR~\. Xow, you all prom- 
ise to be satisfied with the event, and accept the successful 
man ? 

King [with some confusion"]. Yes. 

Queen [with regret]. Yes. 

Ace [timidly, yet with confidence]. Oh, yes! 

Fairy. Then forward to the fray, and may the best 
man win. Herald, bid the trumpet sound, and order the 
contestants to proceed. [Gives papers to the Herald. 
Trumpet sounds.] 

Her. [reads]. Sing an air from some Italian opera. 

[K. of D. sings.] 

A. of S. [aside to girls]. He must win. They can't do 
better than that. 

A. of C. Perhaps you wish he wouldn't win. 

A. of S. [confused]. Oh ! I don't care. 

King. Bravo, Diamonds I Magnificent ! Grand ! Such 
intelligence ! The perfection ot Art ! 

Queen. Pshaw ! but there's no soul in it. His deliv- 
ery was wretched, and his F was flat. 

King. There ! I knew you'd be trying to influence the 
umpire. Call the Queen to order. 

Fairy. Your majesties should both be quiet. 

King. l>nt she's trying to prejudice — 

Queen. But you began it. 

King. I didn't say a word. 

Queen. Oh, you did ! 

Fairy. There, there, my dears, let them go on. 

Her. Silence in the lists ! 

[K. of H. sings. Ajyplause.] 

King [to Queen]. Oh, such execrable singing ! 

Queen. 'Twas exquisite, — so tender and sweet ! You 
have no taste in music; and, then, you're so prejudiced. 

King. How absurd ! 

A. of C. [to A. of D.]. Xow it's your turn to despair. 

A. of D. Oh ! he'll never Avin any prize. He's too gay 
and good-natured. But he sings well enough, for a man. 
I shouldn't like to have him sing too well. 

A. of C. I suppose not. He might win if he did. 



26 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT III. 

[White Knight sings. All silent for a few seconds ; 
then a concerted, long-drawn sigh.'] 

King [recovering']' ^ l & J ou ever hear such a ridicu- 
lous performance ? 

Queen. Oh ! 'twas hideous. 

A. of D. [ aside, to ladies]. Divine, enchanting, rap- 
turous ! Such delicacy, such power, such expression ! 
He sings pianissimo as daintily as the Apollo Club, and 
his forte is like Thomas' brass in Tannhatiser. I hope 
he'll win. 

A. of C. Yes, for then Hearts will lose. And there 
may be a sequel to Rejected Addresses. 

A. of S. If it had been your case, there never would 
have been any rejected addresses at all. 

A. of C. Bah ! I never heard of any in your case. 

Herald. The contestants will each dance a pas seul. 

Knave of D. I am a little lame this evening, and my 
physician prohibits dancing. 

King. Stuff! nonsense! Go in, Diamonds, and crush 
them with something immense. 

K. of D. [aside]. I really don't know how, your 
majesty. 

King [with suppressed rage, aside], I discard you. 
Such a fiasco ! 

A. of C. [to A. of S.] There, . your stock is looking 
up now. 

Queen [to King]. Oh, yours is a nice man, isn't he ? 

King. Dancing is absurd for a man, — low, out of fash- 
ion. It don't count. 

Queen. Low, indeed! They say Bismarck danced 
at a festival lately with all the girls on his estate. Wait 
till Hearts dances. [Hearts dances. Applause^] 

Queen. There ! What did I tell you ! Oh ! such 
grace! such agility! 

King [vexed]. Bah ! 

A. of 0. [to A. of D.]. Aren't you a little afraid he'll 
win? 

A. of D. Pooh I I should like to see him ! [W. K. 
dances. Applause^] 

A. of C. [aside], I knew he would. He danced so 
last summer. 'Twas heavenly. 

Herald. The Fairy Heartsease herself will now pro- 
pound the conundrums. 

Fairy. How many men did the King of France have 



ACT II r. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 2 < 

after lie marched up the hill with twenty thousand men, 
and then marched down again? 

K. of D. Twenty thousand. It's only a catch. 

King. Shrewd fellow, that Diamonds. 

Queen. But that's not the answer. 

King. Of course it is. 

Fairy. Silence ! 

K. of II. Twenty thousand and two. He made 
high and then low, — that counts him two. 

Queen. There ! there's some ingenuity in that ! 

Fairy [to W. K.]. What do you say ? 

W. K. Twenty-two thousand, of course. A march 
adds two to the score. [Applause. King and Queen 
look blank."] 

Ace. How did he know that ? It wasn't in the book I 
sent him. 

Fairy. Why is a London hansom cab like a Shanghae 
rooster. 

K. of D. Hm ! Because it's higher behind than it 
is before. 

K. of H. I'll give it up. No! because it is big 
enough for two, but isn't big enough for four. 

W. K. Xo, because it is not a coach-in-china. 

A. of D. Oh, how clever ! 

Queen. Isn't he bright? but then he can't dance. 
Hearts beats him in that. 

Fairy. How does a wild goose find his course in his 
migrations ? 

King. Oh, that isn't fair. That's Natural History. 

Queen. Oh ! they ought to know it. Hearts will, I 
am sure. 

K. of D. He don't. He never loses it. 

K. of H. Oh, pshaw ! That isn't it. It's because he 
always has a beak-on to guide him. 

W. K. Exactly ; and he always keeps it on-a-head. 
[Applause.] 

[By-play of Ace throughout, apparently modest and 
timid, but intensely interested, and changing con- 
stantly. Confident, however, all the time.] 

[Herald hands papers to Fairy.] 

Herald. Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye! The decision 
is about to be given. Long live his majesty King of 
Hearts ! 

Fairy. The White Knight has scored 981 to Dia- 



28 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT III. 

monds' 673, and Hearts' 755, and wins. Your majesties, 
I present you your future son-in-law. • 

King [aside]. Deuce take the fellow ! And that beg- 
garly Diamonds! why didn't he exert himself? [King 
comes forward and congratidates him, shaking hands. 
The others go sulkily, Diamonds to right of performers, 
Hearts to left, Joker in middle front.] I am pleased 
to add to my family a young man of so spotless a char- 
acter. [Aside.] He's not so bad after all, though I had 
set my heart on Diamonds. I am glad it wasn't Hearts. 
[King goes over to Diamonds and converses, com- 
forting him. Queen comes forward, and offers 
Joker her hand, which he kisses.] 

Queen. Peerless young man! I congratulate you. 
[Beckons to Ace, who comes forward?] My daughter, 
receive your betrothed. [Aside.] Poor ' Hearts ! I am 
so disappointed in him ! But he is so unlucky ! I am 
glad, any way, it isn't Diamonds. [Ace and W. K. em- 
brace.] 

Ace. [aside to W. K.] I knew you'd win. You're so 
clever. 

W. K. [aside]. It was your gift and love inspired me. 
Those tarts — [Queen goes to talk to Hearts.] 

Ace [surprised, aside]. But I didn't — 

Queen [interrupting]. Now let's have the dance. 

[They take places. Dance a minuet. By-play 
between Knave of Hearts and Ace of Dia- 
monds.] 

Queen [after the dance], I am so hungry. Ten, bring 
in the refreshments. 

Ace. Oh, no, mamma! let's dance again. I am not 
hungry at all. [ To Joker.] Are you ? 

W. K. [with an effort], No, of course not. 

Queen. You silly grasshoppers, you may feed on dew. 
I can't. 

Miter Ten in a fright. 

Ten. May it please your majesty, the tarts are gone. 

All [shriek]. Gone ! 

King [in a passion]. What ho ! the headsman ! It's 
damnable treason. They were made by our own con- 
sort's royal hands. It's heresy, sacrilege, sedition, privy 
conspiracy, and rebellion. 

W. K. [agitated, to Ace]. What? were those the 
royal tarts? 



ACT III. TIIE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 29 

Ace [convulsed]* And you ate them! Oh, horror! 
We are lost! 

W. K. Say not a word. I'll shield you. 

Ace [cries out]. It was not he. It was all a mistake. 
[Faints in his arms, and is removed by two Pages.] 

K. of II . [to Queen]. Certainly it was the Joker. 

Queen. It must be he. 

K. of D. [to King]. It was the Joker. We saw 
him in the apartment. 

King. It can only be he. And our intended son-in- 
law ! 'Fore George ! 'tis parricide ! Guards, to the block 
with him ! 

K. of H. I say, Diamonds, this is too rough. Let's 
get him off. 

K. of D. [aside]. Hold your tongue, or I'll expose 
you. 

W. K. I refuse not the axe ; but the law requires 
a trial. 

King. Zounds! he's right! he's right! That trifle of 
detail had escaped me. But it's sound law, eh, Dia- 
monds ? 

K. of D. True, true, your majesty, he has that right, 
but it amounts to nothing. We'll convict him easily. 
The proof is damning. 

King. Good ! Bring me my robe and wig. I'll sit as 
judge and try him on the spot. 

Queen. I thank your majesty. My honor will be 
avenged. [Aside.] I wish the youth had been less comely. 
'Twere a pity, too, to sever so melodious a windpipe. 

[King puts on his robe and wig.] 

King. Herald, open the court. 

Herald. Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye ! This supreme 
court of the Kingdom of Hearts is now open for business. 
The White Knight, called the Joker, come into court. 

W. K. Here. 

Herald [reads]. You are charged with having surrep- 
titiously, wickedly, and with malice aforethought, stolen, 
taken, and' carried away the sacred tarts, made by the 
anointed hands of her royal majesty ; against the laws of 
Hoyle in such cases made and provided ; and contrary 
to the tenor of the nursery rhyme handed down from 
time immemorial. Long live his majesty, King of Hearts ! 

W. K. May it please your majesty, I call for a bill of 
particulars. 



30 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT III. 

King. Say, Diamonds, is it regular ? 

K. of D. Your majesty must not allow it. 

King. The demand is refused. 

W of K. I appeal. 

King. Of course he can appeal, Diamonds ? 

K. of D. No, he can't, your majesty. 

King. Gad ! how troublesome this law is ! I revoke 
the order then. 

All. But you can't revoke. It's against the rules. 

King. Confound the wretched law ! Fairy, what shall 
I do? 

Fairy. What a fool you are to attempt this human 
way of trying cases ! It never succeeds. The guilty 
ones always get off, and the innocent ones are convicted. 
Try the case as becomes the King of Hearts. Let the 
prisoner turn a card. If he turn a red one, he is inno- 
cent. If he turn a black one, he is guilty. That's much 
more likely to be right. 

King. Just the thing ! We'll do it. Bring the cards. 

[ W. K. turns a card and holds it up^] 

All. Red ! He's innocent. 

King. Charming ! How simple ! Now it is all right. 
Go on with the dancing. 

Queen. But somebody must have stolen the tarts. 

King. Oh, bother ! there's a new trouble. Of course, 
somebody must. Try the cards again. We'll all cut, and 
the lowest is guilty. 

[ They all cut, and give the names of their cards. Nobody 
has loioer than three. Two Knaves come last, and cut 
deuces']. 

King. It's between the two rivals. Try again. 

[ They cut deuces again. They cut again, and cut deuces 
a third time']. 

King. Faith, they're both guilty. 
W. K. May it please your majesty — 

\_As soon as he begins to speak, the Knaves slink behind 
the two pillars and change their costume]. 

W. K. I received the tarts by a messenger, pretend- 
ing to come from the Princess. I thought she must have 
sent them. 

Ace. {coming to], I never sent them. I thought you 
took them. 



ACT III. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. 31 

% 

W. K. And now I think of it, 'twas yonder Knave of 
Hearts that brought them in disguise. 

King. It is a conspiracy of these varlets. Where are 
they? We'll have their heads off instead. Ho! guards, 
pursue them. 

Fairy. Stop ! never mind your clumsy executioners. 
I'll do it for you much better than that. [ Waves wand an 
instant. Pillars vanish, and the Knaves are seen turned 
into candelabra, holding lights.'] There ! they will show 
the way now, if they never took it themselves. 

A. of S. and A. of D. [to Fairy]. Now, dear fairy, 
don't be too hard upon them. It's a pity to waste young 
men in this way, when there are so few. Please pardon 
them. 

Queen. Oh, yes ! we can't go on with the party with- 
out them. 

Ace. Yes, do ! Our play will be a tragedy if it doesn't 
come out well, and I never could like tragedy. 

A. of S. and A. of D. We'll vouch for them. 

Fairy. Well, go and swear them to good behavior. 

A of S. and A. of D. \_go towards the candelabra]. 
Hold up your right hands. 

A. of I). Oh ! you have got them up already. 

A. of S. You solemnly swear to be excellent young 
men, to be very kind and attentive, and never plot any 
more, nor steal any more, nor smoke, nor do any thing 
that isn't nice, as long as you live. [ They nod as statues]. 
[ To Fairy.] There, they promise, you see. 

Fairy [waves her wand]. Now go and take them. 

[ They go and put their hands on their arms. The can- 
delabra wake up with a start, and make love to the 
Aces.] 

K. of H. [to A. of D.]. But I didn't know .you cared 
for me. You told me once you didn't. 

A. of D. Yes, but then — well — perhaps — I think I 
must have been mistaken. 

K. of D. [to A. of S.] By Jove ! Spades, how hand- 
some you are ! You're a thousand times better than the 
Princess. 

A. of S. And will you promise never to look at her 
any more ? 

K. of D. Never ! And do you care for me ? 

A. of S. I suppose I ought not to, but I can't always 
do what I ought, can you ? 



32 THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. ACT III. 

K. of D. I'll try hereafter any way, if you will care 
for me still. [Demonstration of affection^ 

Ten [to Ace of Clubs]. My dear Clubs, we must each 
take the odd card, you see. 

A. of C. I don't see why I should refuse you. The 
Ten is as good as the court cards in cribbage, and we may 
count it so, even if we are beyond the crib-age. [Ten 
takes her hand.~] 

Fairy. There ! your majesty. It has all come right 
at last, and they are well paired. So you must pardon 
the bad ones and bless them all, and then you can go on 
with the dancing. [ They take their places. ~\ 

King. So I do, I am sure. And it's not a bad lot after 
all. Let's see, fifteen two, fifteen four, three common 
pairs six, and one pair royal, — sixteen, — and two for that 
knave's heels eighteen. That's my hand. Now [to audi- 
ence'] show yours. 

Music. Curtain. 



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